It is in a woman's nature to care for someone deeply and want to nurture them to the best of our abilities. I find myself always intensely indulged in my feelings for someone. Either I love you wholeheartedly, or I don't care at all. College taught me many lessons outside of the classroom and one of the best things I learned was to be selfish with myself, because you are the only person who has your best interest at heart. A hard lesson I learned, through heart breaks and ending friendships, but in order to be completely happy and at peace with myself, I had to let all the negatives go...even it I was hurt in the process. You see all those romance movies where you either meet your sweetheart in high school if you're extremely lucky, but if not you get a second chance in college, but of course God has made his own path for me to follow. So to hell with all those perfectly sappy love stories.
I met this guy really ok guy at the very end of my freshman year. I remember it so well, my friends were being a little thots on NCAT campus, it was raining and we met up with some boys I had never met, that acted like a boy band, with their own special name and hand signs. There, that rainy day, I was introduced to yet another genuine fuck boy. I spent a good 2 years hurting over this dude, not the "I can't live without you" type of hurt, but the "I really cared for you and you did me so wrong" type of hurt. You see, I missed the lesson on "guys say anything to please you" in girl code 101. This guy knew exactly what to say to make me smile, make me feel better, manipulate me and take advantage of the fact I had actual feelings for him. Guys have this extra spidey sense, they seize the moment when they know a girl is on the come up and see what they can benefit from by dealing with her.
Our first encounter, I remember this chubby boy with a beard and braces, looking like a grown ass 12 year old kid. I gave him my number but it wasn't really my number lol. We didn't start having conversations until I randomly saw one of his post on IG and tried my own luck. We texted and had pillow talks all summer long. He was funny and he was charming, he really grew on me. The more we conversed, the more I could not wait until summer passed and we could spend some real time getting know each other. When school did arrive; however, it took a whole 2 weeks for us to meet up and hang out. We was dodging me and claimed he was nervous to hangout with me for the first time, which my naive ass totally bought his excuse. Had I not been so excited and blinded by my thoughts that I maybe had met a real ass nigga, I would've peeped the early warning signs.
I don't know where my feelings stemmed from with this dude, he was pretty regular. HE did nothing out of the ordinary, all he was good for was giving me attention, girls love attention. The same attention any other guy would give me, had I give them the opportunity. We hung out every other week, on a random ass night, because he was always so busy playing dick buddies with his boy band. He always chose to go out, instead of staying in with me, but karma is a bitch and all that partying resulted in a low GPA upon graduating and having to do an extra semester (here's some kisses to you***) Low key the universe always brings things full circle, keep that noted. I liked this guy so much, I even let him talk me into posting him on my IG, which was a big ass no no. Of course it stirred drama with my crazy ass satanic ex, but I think dude really enjoyed making my ex jealous, which was childish. The joke was really on me when Wednesday came around and I wondered why he didn't post me. You know what his excuse was? You guessed it! He said "I don't like people all up in my business." What business do you really have? on the contrary he really just didn't want his side hoes (or his main hoe, I could've been the side joint) all up in his business. Keep it real playa.
My birthday arrived and at that point in time the relationship talk had stumbled in a few conversations. Guys are built with super powers, their ability to be conniving sacks of shit cease to amaze me. He fed me the most wonderful dreams about us being together, but reality tends to knock you off cloud 9. He spent one day out of my entire birthday week celebration with me and that day wasn't even my actual birthday, he didn't get me shit either. He showed up to my party, late, with a dumb ass smile on his face and had the audacity to ask me was I happy he was there. Well of course I was happy he was there. it meant a lot to me, I wanted him to be there. I wanted to show him off to my friends, I wanted him to feel those butterflies I felt every time we were together, but he was just a dumb ass and he damn sure did not deserve me at all. I was really with homeboy shooting in the gym. When he called me at 3am crying about how hungry he was I fed him. When he came to me stressed out about school, money or family, I comforted him. When he needed to vent about his friends, I listened. When he needed love, I gave it to him selflessly.
We shared secrets and intimate moments I thought were special, but they were only special to me. He meant a lot to me, but it was pretty evident the feelings weren't reciprocated. It was a hard pill for me to swallow, being head over heels for someone who did not give a damn about me. I keep trying to prove my worth to males who don't appreciate, or know how to handle what I have to offer. He cut things off with me very shortly after homecoming, saying I was everything he needed, but not want he wanted at the moment...like way to crush my heart. Catch this though...while I was hurting and healing, he was making his way into a full blown relationship, literally 2 months after we were done. Talk about shitting on a person who was already down, even posted her on his IG. I can't put the blame entirely on him, because even after that fiasco I still had the nerve to let this dude back into my life.
The next summer came and I get a text from him. A long over due apology text with the usually bullshit, "I'm sorry I hurt you," "I wasn't ready for everything you were willing to give me," "I want us to be friends because you meant a lot to me," blah blah blah (mind you dude was STILL in a relationship) like fuck is you really saying to me. Like the mature woman I try to be, I forgave him, for my own sake. I did not hate him and I wasn't going to continue to beat myself up over something I could not control, shit happens. Want to know what else happened? That following school year i found out we were neighbors, like literally living right next door to each other. That was my karma for accepting his apology. We sparked, he came over, we played uno, my roommates and I chilled at his house. It was all confusing and not good for my soul. Feelings resurfaced and for a moment I thought maybe this dude had changed. He wasn't in a relationship anymore, but I was and he accepted that and we remained friends. Once I got out of my relationship, we intensely started a flirtationship. We were hanging out more than often and I made THE biggest mistake of actually having sex with him. Out of the two years we had been going back and forth about our feelings for each other, one vulnerable night I gave into my sexual needs and I made the mistake twice (I give you all permission to shake your heads). We eventually had a real ass heart to heart about our feelings and I thought things were going to change between us, but again that was a stretch. We were consistently communicating for a good month and he told me he loved me. That made my heart smile, but I didn't say it back, I didn't share those exact same feelings, but I wanted too.
I didn't speak to him for a good month after that and that is when I saw on IG, he up and went and got his self another girlfriend. A brand new girl that was not me. I laughed. I didn't even cry, my friend had even sent me a screenshot (they be ON IT) and I told her I been peeped. Little boys will always be little boys and us woman can not make them grow up. I hated him for the longest, like every time I see him to this very day I want to punch him dead in the face. It is not right but it'll make me feel better lol He made me feel like I was never worthy enough, no matter how down I was, to ever be considered his girlfriend. He could find a girlfriend in 3 days but I had been by his side for 2 years (on and off, give or take) and have nothing to show for it. It is my fault I continuously put myself in situations where I know we both don't want the same things. A guy is only going to act right for the person he really fucks with and obviously he was never really fucking with me. The truth hurts but there it is and I'm perfectly okay with being the best thing he never had. I hope he's happy and I hope his girlfriend now treats him like a king. Every dog has its days and just knowing I'm flourishing gives me great pride.