Losing My Virginity To Satan

When we are young, we always think the person we lose our virginity with is the person we are going to be with forever...unfortunately 9 times out of 10 that is a just a fairy tale dream. It was definitely just a dream for me. I lost  my virginity when I was 17 years old to the king of all fuck boys. There are a lot of things that I have done that I could be upset about, but I like to look on the more positive side of things, taking it as a lesson learned. If I could redo ever meeting this boy I would; I would wish for more patience and at least lose my virginity to someone who showed me just a bit more respect than this pig. This ex of mine was the devil reincarnated, since our breakup, for the past four years he has been subliminally, bluntly and annoyingly, trying to ruin my life and this is no exaggeration (although I really wish it was). You would think he lost his virginity to me. Everything you can imagine that goes wrong in a relationship, went wrong with us. From cheating, lying, fighting and crying, we could have been a couple on Love and Hip Hop. 

I'll take y'all all the way back to how we first met. He was the best friend of one of my best friends' boyfriend. We were strictly friends at first, one because I was already in a relationship, and two he was a certified man whore. We had been friends for months before I admitted to him I had feelings. He was very persistent beforehand with trying to woo me. We got to know each other very well (or so I thought) while being just friends. I knew before going into the relationship what kind of person he was. He was big flirt, he lived for the attention he got from females...he was one of them childish boys who hurt girls for the fun of it. He was pretty boy, cared a lot about looks, he played girls and then called me on the phone to laugh about it during our pillow talks. He was sneaky boy I always had to be cautious with him, he's the type to show his girlfriend off and still have hella hoes, and most of these hoes did not understand their role. I was really close with his mom, as he was with mine. I was legit over his house everyday after school, during the honeymoon phase...you know that early part of the relationship where you both are completely obsessed with each other (or so one would think). i would visit him at his school and fool did not even play basketball but I was at the games though, being a trophy and all that lol. He had money too, for someone who never had a job, anything I wanted he got it. 

I have no idea what made me decide to let this idiot have my virginity. I mean all the red flags were there and the warning signs. He was way too protective over his phone, if I even looked interested in it for too long, he would just put it out of sight. It was his little black book full of secrets, like if I misplaced my phone I would be SOL because his phone was off limits to me. I am not the crazy girlfriend that goes through phones, never have been and will be, but I just knew that phone contained all his lies and secrets. Females would be calling him at all types of hours, a chick would even have the audacity to call him at 2am while we were cuddled up together and he would act like it was nothing, like I was imagining his phone ringing. (now I am sure at this point ya'll are like wth is a 17 year old doing spending the night over a dudes house lol) I could never really trust him and I knew that, but he was everything to me at that time, he really took care of me and aside from his infidelities he treated me like a princess.

Our first sexual encounter was after my senior year high school homecoming. My friends and I got a hotel for the after party, but it was never an after party. It was me, my 3 best friends and 3 of our lovers. Everyone who had their dude there had a lil something going on in the sheets, no it wasn't an orgy, we were actually way too young to for that lol but there was some moaning going on and some movements (so I would classify it as semi orgy). That night was the first time me and my ex had an IMS (intense makeout session) Shout out to my old friends for letting us all do our thang that night, I know no one is comfortable with hearing other peoples sex noise, so they're some troopers. This was the first time I had ever gotten fingered (is that square?) and I remember how uncomfortable it was for having this guys football sausage fingers ramming the insides of my vagina, but like all youngin's I pretended to enjoy it and by his moaning, I'm sure he did too. 

Despite his hoe ways, I really cherished our friendship, he was literally my best friend and my boyfriend and for that reason I guess I decided trust him with my virginity. We always fooled around, like all over his house, his head game really did it for me...but then again as I am reflecting wth did I really know at 17. My first time was not rose pedals and bubble baths (as I've always dreamed it to be) It wasn't cuddling and soft kisses that followed either. We had been dating for two months and aside from those red flags, I really did not have anything to complain about. We were some horn dogs and I felt like hey why not do it with this guy. When I lost my virginity it was like an episode from The Secret Life of An American Teenager. It began with fondling and making out on his living room couch, things were getting extremely heated. It was that particular moment, when our bodies were touching, our lips were intensely pressed against one another and he was caressing me in all the right places, and I decided to take the big next step. The whole process of loosing your virginity killed me (I don't recommend it) it felt like I was giving birth to an elephant. It was one of the worst pains I had ever experienced and ladies I honestly just recommend doing it when you're drunk. Literally after a good 2 minutes I pushed him off me and ran out of his house crying. I don't know why I was crying, I think it was the pain mixed with my immature emotions. I was legit hysterically crying the whole 40 minute ride home, I just kept thinking I could not believe I did that. I did not speak to my ex for 2 weeks afterwards...then we were just getting it in like wild monkeys. 

A month after losing my virginity, somewhere around Christmas time, I woke up to tons of notifications on my Twitter. It was my ex's previous girlfriend and her friends who had a drunken night and decided to harass me and spill teas on Twitter. I called my ex immediately and he told me to not entertain the antics, but the gag was, she was telling me how unfaithful my boyfriend was and how he cheated on me with her. She made a scene on Twitter, like any other unhappy side hoe, she wanted to break up our relationship and she definitely succeeded. When I left school that day and went to speak with my boyfriend about these outlandish accusations, he just broke down crying and apologizing. He claimed she had only topped him off, but I am boo-boo the fool and I was not about to let him cry his way out of it. I believed his lies when he promised me he would never hurt me or treat me as he did with his previous girlfriends. I gave him the most important thing I had and he destroyed our relationship with his addiction to being unfaithful. I slapped him when he said sorry, even after the whole situation he still tried to lie his way out of it. 

After we broke up we were still dealing with each other, feelings always make situations more complicated. A person that you know should not be in your life remains, because feelings do not disappear over night and sometimes we think we can't get through the hurt and staying seems like the best solution at the moment. That was my thought process, staying with him because I knew even though he made me sick to my stomach, he would also do anything to make me smile. Even after the first incident of cheating, the lies and unfaithfulness continued, and although we never officially got back together, we were still very much together. Prom season came around and I will admit to being petty and not making him my date. It was  partly from me being a giant with heels on next to him and I did not want my prom pics making me look like a giraffe. So to be just as spiteful he asked one of his hoe, who he swore on his life did not mean shit to him, to be his prom date. He was such a dumb conniving little prick, he got a hotel room and claimed it was for this after party he was having, he had even invited me to see him off, but the math was not adding up. Weeks later I saw their prom pics and yes you guys, they were kissing in them...so you know what I did? I burned that shit. 

Our love affair ended the summer going into my freshman year of college. I took so much shit from this boy, I was losing myself in his nonsense and forgetting my worth. How could I have let one boy control my happiness the way he did? He broke me emotionally, I was drained and I honestly could not waste one more tear on him. It always baffles me how someone could say they love someone and want to be with them forever and still treat them like shit. My ex and I got into a lot of physical altercations. I couldn't even believe I had the capability to continue to feel something for someone who could put their hands on me. At one point I was really scared of him, the way he got when he was upset, I did not even recognize him. He would blame it on love, but love does not make you hurt the person you claim to want to be with forever. The day I told him I didn't love him anymore, he was driving me home. He picked me up from work and we were yelling at each other from the top of our lungs over more side hoe drama. I told him I could not deal with his shit anymore and that I never wanted to be with him again. He hit me and said that he would crash the car, because if he could not be with he did not want anyone else to either. When he stopped the car at a red light I got out and ran as far as I could. I had my dad come pick me up and I cried the whole time. Weeks had passed and he wouldn't stop calling me, he would wait for me after work and even blow up my moms phone. I wanted to leave for school without ever hearing his mouth again. 

Eventually he stopped begging me to take him back and went on a vengeance streak for the next four years. I couldn't even escape him in North Carolina, he was dating girls at my school just to piss me off. They did not get me out of character though, it just proved to me how much of litter boy my ex was, is and will always be. The cherry on top of the cake was my senior year in college. One of my closest ex-friends, whom knew of our relationship history, started dating him a few weeks before graduation. it was the most disgusting thing ever, granted I am also guilty in the situation because I hurt her feelings by dating a guy that wasn't interested in her, but she liked him and so I guess that was wrong. However, it goes against all girl code to date your mans ex who she lost her virginity to and no matter what those trolls may say, they both did it to get a reaction out of me and it definitely worked. I had saw a snapchat of them and the girl put as her caption "take a bitch nigga"...he wasn't my nigga and will never be again so I wasn't offended by that. I was just upset and the disrespect and the fact that they thought my feelings were something to play with. So I fought her and told him to break up with her if he ever wanted me to speak to him again, and guess what he did...break up with her. Anyone that allows their new girl to get beat by their old girl and then breaks up with them on command, is not only a joke but is also pathetic and in this instance, they were both very pathetic. I am not proud of how I allowed myself to be effected by these peasants, but as a human being and as a Black woman, I act off of emotions sometimes. 

What I gained from this relationship is learning how much of a strong woman I am. It takes a lot to get over someone that dragged you so low into the ground. To be only 17 and dealing with emotional and physical abuse, and still be open to experience real love, it takes a lot of healing and strength.  For dudes like my ex you just have to forgive them and move on. We were young and I expected a lot out of him, and that was partly my fault. Although that is not an excuse for the way he treated me, I can't blame anyone for myself for continuously letting him get the best of me. He is everything I never want to deal with in a male again. He's a lesson I'll always reference as to what I cannot deal with in a relationship.