I’m not sure to label him as a likable asshole, but if you looked in the dictionary under asshole, his name would definitely be there. He was my first taste of an ain’t shit ass niggas. I was 15 when we were first together, one of those spend a lot of the relationship talking on the phone. I think we hung out a total of 4 times while we were actually in a relationship, but our history extends past high school. This particular relationship was definitely one of those lesson learned the hard way, with lots of complications. I do not know what it is about us women, especially when we are young; we ignore all the warning signs and red flags that say, “do not mess with this little boy, he will ruin your life,” and of course we are all telling ourselves, “I’m special, he will change for me.” WRONG! You are not that special to anyone. A man will change when he wants too and that has nothing to do with how good of a person you are and that just is what it is. That concept won’t be understood overnight, so it is ok to think you have super powers and fall flat on your ass. You are woman enough on your own to get back up.
Meanwhile…Reflecting on our time together, I really think it was his sarcasm that really attracted me to him. At the time he was the skateboard, not giving a fuck, does whatever type of dude and that sparked my interest a lot. We were together for almost a year and I can’t remember ever hearing sweet nothings out of his mouth, we said we loved each other but who really knows what that is at 15 in the 10th grade. I was the token black girl in this relationship. He had a reputation for only dating white girls and up until recently I never understood why or inquired to ask. Imagine how special I felt being the only black girl he had ever dated, but the fact of the matter is I was the only black girl that ever showed him interest (crazy right? I know). My silly little self took pride in being his black girl kryptonite. You know how every person has that one person they wouldn’t mind jumping through hoops for time and time again, yeah I was that bihh (but that wasn’t until we got older). We went to different high schools, still in the same consortium so we had tons of mutual friends. One of my good friends at the time just so happened to be his “best friend” (and I use that term very loosely). Once she found out we were dating she always had some special teas to spill. All of a sudden this boy who was never mentioned before in our convos, becomes the hot topic of the day. It became so unwanted and regular , that I began to question her intentions with my boyfriend…and of course the little hoe wanted my man (lol) it was my first time dealing with a sneaky little bitch, that wanted something I already had. She tried all the time to tell me negative things about him or tell him negative things about me…and you know what? There's more!
One person that really tried to ruin our relationship was his crazy ass ex. This particular boyfriend of mine was, like mentioned before, my first taste of aint shit niggas. The first guy that cheated on me, the first guy that lied to me, and the first guy that made me cry. He use to date a girl I went to middle school with, I guess they were very in love, from what was projected on Facebook. The moment she found out we were dating it was a constant shade being thrown my way. It lasted weeks, the chick seriously thought I stole her man and betrayed our friendship. First, if that was her actually her “man” at the time, he should’ve still been with that ass. Secondly, I hadn’t spoken to or seen the girl since middle school so it was never that deep ever. She would make little subliminal Facebook posts about me and how her feelings were hurt. I didn’t really care, it was comical to me, a good time to practice ignoring ignorance. However, being as though I did not go to school with him and his ex’s who really knows what happened when I wasn’t around. He could’ve been feeding her dreams and telling me lies, y'all know how these dudes be. For all I know they could’ve been lip locking in the stairwell and exchanging bodily fluids in the auditorium.
I think I realized I really cared for him when my sister ran away and he made his way allll the way over to my house just to comfort me. It was cute of him, like really unexpected. But all that could also be substituted for him cheating on me and ruining our relationship. The school year going into 11th grade, shawdy moves and transfers to a new school. While at this school, he finds some random white chick to be kissing up on, flirting with, developing “feelings” for and what not, like he didn’t have a whole ass girlfriend. Then, with his brutally honest ass, tells me what happened and is just like nonchalant about the situation, no remorse. Some people like to think because they are honest about certain things, it makes everything ok, but it does not. I just really appreciate that I did not lose my virginity to this boy, although who I did lose it to was not any better. We broke up before we even made it to a whole year, very close though. I had to let him go, I forgave him for his infidelities, but I was setting an example for myself for my future relationships to not take any bullshit. He was rude and he would do unethical things, like not talk to me for 2 weeks after an argument and then act like he was never wrong and did not take accountability for his actions…but we were young so I won’t hold it against him.
There was a point in time we became really close friends, years later, and feelings had resurfaced. We were constantly talking on the phone while I was away in college. He was the comfort I needed after this other boy had hurt my feelings. I would not necessarily label him as a rebound because I was hesitant to even rekindle anything with him. In the midst of my mixed feelings, he also had a girlfriend he was on and off with for some time. We hung out when I came home for the summer and it was a good time. Although everything was good between us for some reason that fiery passion I’m suppose to feel for someone never happened and that was the ultimate reason we never worked out. We had out grown each other and that is perfectly ok. Things happen, people change and feelings change too (added lyrics from PND).
I wish we could be on the same page as far as us being friends. Underneath all those layers of alexithymia (google it) he was someone I could be my crazy self around and he actually was entertained by it, he really enjoyed our 10 hour conversations about nothing, I know he did, I did too. And just in case he does read this, he is one of my favorite assholes too.